There is Hope

Hello there! This blog post is going to be kind of difficult for me to write, but I felt like it was something that needed to get out there to help those who went through the same things I did. I should start where most every story starts; the beginning.

I grew up in a loving home, with loving parents; my early years were great. I went to church, had friends, etc.. Everything was perfect until I got sick around 1st grade. We were so desperate to get me better that I took a medicine, which did cure me of the sickness, but left me with something worse. One of the many side effects of this medicine was something called absence seizures.

Absence seizures are really difficult to describe but I will try.

Imagine a 4 minute short film. If you were to randomly, with no indication, cut 30 seconds from the film and deleted it, never to be found or seen, then film would skip from one moment to a different moment without any explanation of what had happened in the piece that was cut. That is similar to what these absence seizures were for me. They were missing pieces, time that I would never have back; just wasted. I was absent from my own timeline.

  • It’s like a pause in the brain, where your whole world goes black.
  • You have no awareness or senses.
    • You can’t see, feel, touch, taste, smell, hear…nothing….
  • Each Absence seizure lasts for about 10- 30 seconds
  • The doctor said for every 1 absence seizure we caught, I had around 10.
  • We caught 15-20 absence seizures per day, which means I had around 150- 200 each day.
    • Math: 20 seconds (average time) x 175 (average # per day)= 3,500 seconds (lost per day) = around 58 minutes per day I was loosing.

As you can imagine, as a girl in elementary school going through this, it was hard, but the thing that made it even harder was the fact that it made me different; I was the weird seizure girl. This label came with a big huge target sign on my back. I was teased and picked on. In the beginning I was strong. It just washed off my back; I didn’t care what they thought, but more and more, those words started to get to me. They grabbed ahold of me and started to hold tight. It was one thing for someone to speak mean words to you, but when you start to believe those lies for yourself, then you can never escape. That is exactly what happened; I started to believe lies that the devil was whispering to me. “You are not loved. You are not wanted. No one cares about you…” and so on. I was going down a tunnel and the light seemed further and further away.

I remember thinking, “I already lose so much time already, why shouldn’t I just have no time at all.” By about 5th grade I had fallen deep into deep depression and suicidal thoughts. It felt as though there was no hope or any reason for living. I had hit rock bottom. I had two options. I could either keep hating myself and feeling hopeless or I could turn to this God that I had grown up hearing about and going to Sunday school to learn about, but had never really accepted personally. And honestly I didn’t really have anything to lose. So I dug through my drawers and found my Bible. “If God was real then He would have to prove it,” I thought. I randomly opened my Bible and my eyes fell on a verse in Song of Solomon.

You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you.” Song of Solomon 4:7

I looked at that verse and it hit me right in the chest. At that moment, the context didn’t matter, that verse was speaking to ME. He broke all my insecurities down with that one verse. I was BEAUTIFUL. He called me MY LOVE, He loves me and cares for me; I wasn’t unloved! He saw NO FLAW in me! All I saw in myself was flaw, after flaw, but God didn’t see that! He was speaking my identity over me and that was just the start!

This was the beginning of my relationship with God. Inch by inch God pulled me from the dark place I was in and I finally started to see the light. “Slowly but surely I came out of depression. It wasn’t a fast process, it was a slow one. The wounds in my heart started to heal. I became grounded in my identity in Christ and with my identity established in what God thinks of me, the devil couldn’t lie to me anymore! I knew who I was.

I am a child of the King of Kings; I am a princess. My Daddy is the Creator of the universe and everything in it. He loves me more than I can comprehend! He has a purpose for me on this earth.

If you are going through something similar to what I went through or something totally different, I want you to come away from reading this with at least one thing; God’s love for you is bigger than any love you could ever imagine! Know who you are in Christ, because God sees you as his beautiful creation; His masterpiece. 

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